***NOTE: I feel a strong pull to start using this blog more to reach others who may not be on Facebook. The experience below is a very personal and a tender moment in our home. As I was writing it down for my journal, I felt the strong impression to share it with others. I'm not great at writing. My grammar sucks, my spelling has deteriorated over the years and sometimes I tend to repeat things way too much. But I still love to write and only when I start feeling that strong undeniable impression do I share my writing. (Well, that strong impression has been happening way too often. Maybe I should just buckle down and learn how to blog.) I know there is someone(s) out there that need this and I hope and pray this would find you and help you cope and deal with whatever you're going through. Life is tough but together we can survive. Just don't give up.
Love - The Mama.***
Lota and I (his Mom) have been struggling a bit to see eye to eye. Lota being on steroid has made it even harder.
Last week, while trying to hang a race medal up on his medal rack (I had to stand on his window bench to reach it), Lota walked into the room and flipped out; yelling at me:
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!! WHY ARE YOU IN MY ROOM?!" WHY ARE YOU STANDING ON MY BENCH?!"
I was caught off guard. WHAT THE HELL!! I was doing something nice for him and at that moment, I did not see Lota as being on steroid or sick, or with processing issues, or a brain tumor. I saw an extremely rude, ungrateful and disrespectful kid, whom I have loved and raised and plead to God to heal and spare and he is over here yelling and disrespecting me - HIS MOTHER.
I felt that MamaBeast, ripping through my skin as her rage screams from inside me -
“SE UA KAUSI KAUSI OE UA E OLA, A’O LEA UA E FIA KAMA MAMAFA MAI! SE LE POGAUA!! AILOGA EKE ILOA LE KELE O KAKALO E FAI MO OE I ASO UMA A’O LEA UA FAI MAI LE LE MAFAUFAU. KAO IA ISE UMU!"
I stepped off the bench and with all the earthy power I posess, I asked “Excuse me???!!” “Don’t you dare talk to me that way”.
Lota fired back "GET OUT!!” as he storms out of the room.
Maybe at that very moment he knew he was somewhat dead and it was better for him to run out of the room before I caught hold of him.
I was shock, speechless and FURIOUS. I followed him because he wasn’t gonna get away with this kind of language towards me. Brain tumor or not I will not tolerate such behavior.
I can feel the heat in my body rising as I yelled after him “OH REALLY??!! LOTA! GET OVER HERE! DON'T YOU DARE DISRESPECT ME IN MY HOUSE!!”
My bedroom door suddenly swung open as I went past it. It was Keith. He knew by the look on my face, that I have past the “Warning” stage and I was no longer at “Elevate"either. I was officially at “Highly Dangerous” and if he didn’t contain me right, he too will get burn.
“Dear, Let me talk to him! We gotta remember he’s on steroid. Let me talk to him. Let me handle it.”
"NO! He's gonna get it!"
"Dear. Come in here. Come in here! Come. Your MamaBeast way is not going to work in this situation. Come in the room."
I detoured into the room. I did not want to but I knew I needed to cool down.
Tears started flowing. I felt angry, confused and disrespected.
“Dam, this tumor!” I muttered under my breathe.
I felt angry, lost but also loved at the same time. Loved by a man you calls me “Dear” - so old fashion, sweet and pure. I knew Keith was right and so I retreated to the kitchen to gather my thoughts. The kitchen has been a place of healing for our family. It is where we share success stories, regrets, a place of dancing, singing, delicious meals, burnt meals and many “I’m sorry”. It is the heart beat of our home and the right place for me at the moment.
Lota was on the couch. I looked up to see Keith right next to him. I felt jealous and hurt all over again. He only opens up to his Dad and not me. Doesn’t he understand the pain I carry for him too?
Keith called me over. “Dear, Lota has something to say to you”.
Lota started. “I feel mad that you were standing on my bench. And you were in my room and you didn’t ask to go into my room”. Lota is bawling again.
Keith gave Lota a gentle squeeze. “Good job bud! That was really good”.
He looked at me. I knew what that look meant - Power Talk!
Of all things, power freaken talk is the last thing I wanted to do. I wasn’t done fuming. I had every right to rip into Lota and let him know how disrespectful he was. That this brain tumor and steroid are no excuse to speak to his mother like that. That I have prayed and plead with God to heal him. I wanted him to know how terrible he had treated me and how angry I was. I wanted him to apologize right there and then.
I dug my foot into the carpet. I can feel the heat from my body slowly escaping through my toes. I started wondering whether the carpet would ignite at any moment.
Keith’s voice brought me back to reality.
“Okay Dear". "I feel… You know how this goes. There are no stories to be told. Just I feel..”
I hated when he’s right. I hated when he coaches me like that. But gosh the man is darn sexy when he is involve and calm and loving. I wanted to punch and kiss his face all at the same time.
I am not as mad anymore. Maybe it’s because the poor carpet has now taken all the fury I held in my body. I felt a little relaxed but I still hated the fact that I have to do this power talk thing.
“I feel hurt”. I paused for a minute as I gathered my thoughts.
"I feel disrespected when you yelled at me - "your Mom". I was trying to do something nice for you. I am sorry that I stood on your bench. I am short Lota, and I can not reach the medal rack without standing on something. I would like it if you had ask me nicely why I was on your bench. I want an apol…”
Lota is bawling again. He proceeds to leave the room. I wan’t going to stop him. A few minutes of putting all my focus and what ever brain cells I have left from having six kids and dealing with this brain tumor has been used up in those few sentences. But it also gave me time to think and process what’s happening. I knew asking for an apology wasn’t going to happen at that moment.
I silently wept. I knew the boy who disrespected me minutes ago was not my true Lota. I looked at Keith. My heart flooded with gratitude for him. He has handled everything right. But my stubbornness wasn’t gonna let him know that.
Keith spoke.
“Dear, this is exactly what I dealt with in Minnesota. The steroid is really rough on him this time. A lot more than the other times. I know this is not easy. But right now, we just have to remember this is not him. You did a good job talking to him.”
I'm feeling a little stubborn. I looked at him with a grin on my face as I asked, “What do you want now? You’re being too nice. Obviously you want something.”
I walked out of the room. I am not going to give him another moment to be right. :o)
Keith laughed. “Nothing. I don’t want anything. Just please be calm today.”
He gave me a squeeze before heading towards the door but then he paused and went upstairs. I knew he was talking to Lota.
I felt grateful Keith left a lot later for work that day.
A few hours has gone by when I felt a warm arm around me. I turned to find Lota. I can tell he wants me to meet him half way. I embraced him as I felt his whole body collapse in my arms. I held back tears - tears of joy, tears of forgiveness and tears of love. No words were spoken but I knew this was his way of saying “I’m Sorry Mom”.
I held him tight to my chest. I didn’t want this moment to end but I can feel Lota slowly letting going. I gave him a quick kiss on the cheek (something he is starting to ask me not to do). He smiled and then said with a loving look in his eyes “Dad said I need to do that a lot because when I get married I have to do it like 11 times a day.”
I smiled as my whole being melt into the floor below me. I held back tears of a million emotions as Lota ran off. Keith is right again.
The tears came anyways. I could no longer hold them back. They were tears of gratitude, love and joy. I felt MamaBeast silently weeping. Thank Heaven, Keith stopped me from releasing her that morning. Steroid and her would have been a dangerously-ugly combo. I silently thanked God for His tender mercies that day. I thanked Him for the lessons I learnt, the burning love I have as a mother for my children, a husband that knows how to contain my fire when it’s out of control and children that continue to teach me life lessons every day. I thanked Him for Lota and the positive effect of Power Talk. I thanked Him for being mindful of little old me.
***NOTE: Power Talk is something we learned during our therapy sessions at the University Neuropsychiatric Institute with Lota and also during couple's therapy session. It's where you start by saying "I feel (insert your feeling)." Then you follow it by saying how you want the person that you're having a problem with to solve that problem. "I would like it if you... (insert you idea on how to solve the problem)". Never start with "You make me feel..." because when emotions are high, a "You..." statement would cause the person to feel attack and be defensive. You would feel the same way if the person you are having an issue with start with a "You..." statement. It has made a world of a difference in our home. But please understand you have to give it a try. It is one of the hardest thing we had to learn to do BUT IT IS WORTH IT. ***
