STEROID. MR. RIGHT & POWER TALK.

***NOTE: I feel a strong pull to start using this blog more to reach others who may not be on Facebook. The experience below is a very personal and a tender moment in our home.  As I was writing it down for my journal, I felt the strong impression to share it with others. I'm not great at writing. My grammar sucks, my spelling has deteriorated over the years and sometimes I tend to repeat things way too much. But I still love to write and only when I start feeling that strong undeniable impression do I share my writing. (Well, that strong impression has been happening way too often. Maybe I should just buckle down and learn how to blog.) I know there is someone(s) out there that need this and I hope and pray this would find you and help you cope and deal with whatever you're going through. Life is tough but together we can survive. Just don't give up. 

Love - The Mama.***

Recovery is going well for the most part.  Lota is happy to finally come off steroid; twenty plus days on it was brutal for him and all of us.  The steroid dosage was a lot bigger this time and a lot harder for Lota.  It has made him extremely emotional and in a couple of instances very mean. 

Lota and I (his Mom) have been struggling a bit to see eye to eye. Lota being on steroid has made it even harder.  

Last week, while trying to hang a race medal up on his medal rack (I had to stand on his window bench to reach it), Lota walked into the room and flipped out; yelling at me:

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!! WHY ARE YOU IN MY ROOM?!" WHY ARE YOU STANDING ON MY BENCH?!"

I was caught off guard. WHAT THE HELL!! I was doing something nice for him and at that moment, I did not see Lota as being on steroid or sick, or with processing issues, or a brain tumor. I saw an extremely rude, ungrateful and disrespectful kid, whom I have loved and raised and plead to God to heal and spare and he is over here yelling and disrespecting me - HIS MOTHER. 

I felt that MamaBeast, ripping through my skin as her rage screams from inside me -
“SE UA KAUSI KAUSI OE UA E OLA, A’O LEA UA E FIA KAMA MAMAFA MAI! SE LE POGAUA!! AILOGA EKE ILOA LE KELE O KAKALO E FAI MO OE I ASO UMA A’O LEA UA FAI MAI LE LE MAFAUFAU. KAO IA ISE UMU!"

I stepped off the bench and with all the earthy power I posess, I asked “Excuse me???!!” “Don’t you dare talk to me that way”. 

Lota fired back "GET OUT!!” as he storms out of the room. 

Maybe at that very moment he knew he was somewhat dead and it was better for him to run out of the room before I caught hold of him.

I was shock, speechless and FURIOUS.  I followed him because he wasn’t gonna get away with this kind of language towards me. Brain tumor or not I will not tolerate such behavior.
I can feel the heat in my body rising as I yelled after him “OH REALLY??!! LOTA! GET OVER HERE! DON'T YOU DARE DISRESPECT ME IN MY HOUSE!!”

My bedroom door suddenly swung open as I went past it. It was Keith. He knew by the look on my face, that I have past the “Warning” stage and I was no longer at “Elevate"either. I was officially at “Highly Dangerous” and if he didn’t contain me right, he too will get burn. 

“Dear, Let me talk to him! We gotta remember he’s on steroid. Let me talk to him. Let me handle it.”

"NO! He's gonna get it!"

"Dear. Come in here. Come in here! Come. Your MamaBeast way is not going to work in this situation. Come in the room."

I detoured into the room. I did not want to but I knew I needed to cool down. 

Tears started flowing. I felt angry, confused and disrespected. 

“Dam, this tumor!” I muttered under my breathe. 

I felt angry, lost but also loved at the same time. Loved by a man you calls me “Dear” - so old fashion, sweet and pure. I knew Keith was right and so I retreated to the kitchen to gather my thoughts. The kitchen has been a place of healing for our family.  It is where we share success stories, regrets, a place of dancing, singing, delicious meals, burnt meals and many “I’m sorry”. It is the heart beat of our home and the right place for me at the moment. 


Lota was on the couch. I looked up to see Keith right next to him.  I felt jealous and hurt all over again. He only opens up to his Dad and not me.  Doesn’t he understand the pain I carry for him too? 

Keith called me over.  “Dear, Lota has something to say to you”.

Lota started. “I feel mad that you were standing on my bench. And you were in my room and you didn’t ask to go into my room”. Lota is bawling again.  

Keith gave Lota a gentle squeeze. “Good job bud! That was really good”. 

He looked at me.  I knew what that look meant - Power Talk!

Of all things, power freaken talk is the last thing I wanted to do.  I wasn’t done fuming. I had every right to rip into Lota and let him know how disrespectful he was. That this brain tumor  and steroid are no excuse to speak to his mother like that.  That I have prayed and plead with God to heal him.  I wanted him to know how terrible he had treated me and how angry I was. I wanted him to apologize right there and then. 

I dug my foot into the carpet. I can feel the heat from my body slowly escaping through my toes. I started wondering whether the carpet would ignite at any moment. 

Keith’s voice brought me back to reality.

“Okay Dear". "I feel… You know how this goes. There are no stories to be told.  Just I feel..”

I hated when he’s right.  I hated when he coaches me like that. But gosh the man is darn sexy when he is involve and calm and loving. I wanted to punch and kiss his face all at the same time. 

I am not as mad anymore.  Maybe it’s because the poor carpet has now taken all the fury I held in my body.  I felt a little relaxed but I still hated the fact that I have to do this power talk thing.  

“I feel hurt”. I paused for a minute as I gathered my thoughts. 

"I feel disrespected when you yelled at me - "your Mom". I was trying to do something nice for you. I am sorry that I stood on your bench.  I am short Lota, and I can not reach the medal rack without standing on something. I would like it if you had ask me nicely why I was on your bench. I want an apol…”

Lota is bawling again. He proceeds to leave the room. I wan’t going to stop him.  A few minutes of putting all my focus and what ever brain cells I have left from having six kids and dealing with this brain tumor has been used up in those few sentences.  But it also gave me time to think and process what’s happening. I knew asking for an apology wasn’t going to happen at that moment. 

I silently wept. I knew the boy who disrespected me minutes ago was not my true Lota.  I looked at Keith. My heart flooded with gratitude for him. He has handled everything right. But my stubbornness wasn’t gonna let him know that.  

Keith spoke.

 “Dear, this is exactly what I dealt with in Minnesota.  The steroid is really rough on him this time.  A lot more than the other times. I know this is not easy. But right now, we just have to remember this is not him. You did a good job talking to him.” 

I'm feeling a little stubborn. I looked at him with a grin on my face as I asked, “What do you want now? You’re being too nice. Obviously you want something.” 

I walked out of the room. I am not going to give him another moment to be right. :o)

Keith laughed. “Nothing. I don’t want anything. Just please be calm today.” 

He gave me a squeeze before heading towards the door but then he paused and went upstairs. I knew he was talking to Lota.  

I felt grateful Keith left a lot later for work that day. 

A few hours has gone by when I felt a warm arm around me.  I turned to find Lota.  I can tell he wants me to meet him half way. I embraced him as I felt his whole body collapse in my arms.  I held back tears - tears of joy, tears of forgiveness and tears of love. No words were spoken but I knew this was his way of saying “I’m Sorry Mom”. 

I held him tight to my chest. I didn’t want this moment to end but I can feel Lota slowly letting going. I gave him a quick kiss on the cheek (something he is starting to ask me not to do). He smiled and then said with a loving look in his eyes “Dad said I need to do that a lot because when I get married I have to do it like 11 times a day.”  

I smiled as my whole being melt into the floor below me.  I held back tears of a million emotions as Lota ran off. Keith is right again. 

The tears came anyways. I could no longer hold them back. They were tears of gratitude, love and joy. I felt MamaBeast silently weeping. Thank Heaven, Keith stopped me from releasing her that morning. Steroid and her would have been a dangerously-ugly combo. I silently thanked God for His tender mercies that day. I thanked Him for the lessons I learnt, the burning love I have as a mother for my children, a husband that knows how to contain my fire when it’s out of control and children that continue to teach me life lessons every day. I thanked Him for Lota and the positive effect of Power Talk.  I thanked Him for being mindful of little old me. 

***NOTE: Power Talk is something we learned during our therapy sessions at the University Neuropsychiatric Institute with Lota and also during couple's therapy session. It's where you start by saying "I feel (insert your feeling)." Then you follow it by saying how you want the person that you're having a problem with to solve that problem. "I would like it if you... (insert you idea on how to solve the problem)". Never start with "You make me feel..." because when emotions are high, a "You..." statement would cause the person to feel attack and be defensive. You would feel the same way if the person you are having an issue with start with a "You..." statement. It has made a world of a difference in our home.  But please understand you have to give it a try. It is one of the hardest thing we had to learn to do BUT IT IS WORTH IT. ***

“Enjoy the little things in life, for one day you’ll look back and realize they were the big things!”

Blown transmission. Cost to fix the transmission. All errands only a vehicle can help you do.  Feeling frustrated and depress. All makes for a terrible start to anyone's day. That's how my Friday morning went.  

Half way through the day I realized Lota has a choir audition later that day.  I also found out that I didn't confirm the appointment so I need to find a new time. I have read and heard from many people that music does wonders for the brain especially a brain that is trying to heal. Besides, Lota has really taken to music as his way to deal with a lot of his anxiety, frustration and depression. I had asked Lota when I first heard about this kids choir whether he wanted to join.  His answer was a very excited "YES!"

So this audition was very important for Lota.  

But by 4:30pm I wasn't feeling like going anywhere or asking anyone for a ride. 

As I started telling myself all the reasons why we can't make it to audition - from my car being down, to me being frustrated and a bit down about things, to it's cold outside,  I had a clear thought pop in my head that said -

 "Go! Lota needs this!”

I quickly got on the website to see if there’s any audition spots open.  Luckily there was one in an hour.  I called  out to Lota and my other kids. 

“We are walking", I said.  

“Where?” 

“To your choir audition”. 

I decided last minute to sign Lota's oldest and youngest sisters to try out too.

Lota was quick putting on his shoes and coat.  All but one child came along for our trek in the snow.  My biggest concern was this one busy street that we needed to cross to get to audition. But when I saw the spring in Lota’s steps, I knew this was what we needed to do.  

Right when we got to that busy road, a van made a U turn and a sweet couple asked if we needed a ride.  At first I turned it down since I can literally see the building from where we were standing. But as I was walking away from them, I had a strong feeling to accept the ride. I quickly realized that I can not turn down blessings for them too. My heart smiled with gratitude for that small but beautiful reminder.  So we hopped in. 

Once I got out of the van, I looked at the time and realized we barely made it in time.  I felt so grateful for this sweet couple.  We Thank them for the ride and off to auditon we went. Lota and his sisters audtioned and were all very happy to be accepted.  

Poppah picked us up and the kids were so excited to tell him all about their experience.  We went to Poppah and Nana’s place where Nana was waiting with grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup to keep our bellies warm and happy.  My heart smiled with gratitude. 

The kids are so excited to be part of this wonderful kids choir.  

Looking back I realized it was the small things that made a difference in my day and in the end they became the big things for me.  

It was a small thought in my head that told me to go to audition.  It was a sweet couple that took a few small minutes out of their day, to stop for us and allowed us to get to audition on time. I was the spring in Lota’s steps that helped motivate me to keep on going.  It's was Nana's simple but delicious grille-cheese sandwiches and warm tomato soup that put the perfect ending to my not so perfect day. 

If you find yourself having one of those terrible days like mine, start paying attention to the small and simple things as your "bad day" goes along.  You will be surprise to see how the small things add up to make the biggest difference in your day.  As we maneuver through this chapter of our lives, we are learning that life is truly filled with little tiny miracles. Our day to day happiness is determined by how willing we are to look up and see them.  

REFLECTING ON 2015. WELCOME 2016.

As another year comes to an end, we are also given the opportunity to reflect on our journey throughout the year.  2015 was a year of trials and blessings, doubts and miracles and above all a year of tremendous growth in faith for our family.

Lota’s tumor returned aggressively late February. Tumor markers (that determine whether Lota should be undergoing chemo treatment) came back elevated - meaning they were above normal range.  This meant, Lota must prepare to undergo chemotherapy.  Lota had surgery for placement of a port - a central line for him to receive chemo.  Two weeks later we tested again and his tumor markers came back normal.  This was puzzling to doctors, so we tested again and his tumor markers came back even lower than the second test results.  This was extremely mind-bogging to our medical team. According to them, tumor markers normally do not continue to drop with each test.

Did someone make a mistake at the lab or did we just witness a miracle?

A week later oncologists confirmed that we should hold off on chemotherapy.  So we move forward with another craniotomy for surgical removal of the tumor on April1st. This was Lota’s fourth brain surgery in six months.  Our neurosurgeon - Dr. Kestle entered the brain through the frontal lope area and was able to remove about 80% of the tumor. Lota’s tumor is located in the pineal area of the brain - making it extremely difficult for doctors to reach it.  The surgery left Lota with a left eye that can hardly converge, track or focus. He had also lost some strength on his left side. He struggled with processing, remembering and solving simple word problems. Lota spent two weeks at the hospital recovering.  He received inpatient physical, speech and occupational therapy. He continued physical and speech therapy once released from the hospital.   We later learned that he also needed vision therapy and that too was added to his outpatient schedule.

Lota’s passion for running and will to fight touched so many people around the globe.  Many of them sent Lota and our family messages of hope, encouragement and love. The uplifting messages and continued support from complete strangers added more fuel to our fire. Knowing that so many out there whom we’ve never met are willing to kneel in prayer for us brought so much strength, humility and hope for us to continue on pushing forward.  By August we learned again that the tumor is growing aggressively AGAIN and doctors are now looking at another surgery.

Lota took the news hard and he struggled to cope. His anxiety was getting worst and he wasn’t sleeping at night. Lota started to change from our sweet boy to an aggressive, angry kid.  In September we started seeking mental help for Lota and our family.  It has been one of the best thing we have ever done for our family especially Lota. Today, Lota looks forward to seeing our therapist each week.  He is able to talk about his feelings more openly and we as a family are also learning new ways to communicate using words that soften the heart and open the mind.

Words are powerful. They can heal or they can kill. Choose wisely.

While we were waiting to see what option we were to take next for Lota I started connecting with a wonderful woman whose son (Gavin) has been fighting an aggressive mature teratoma also for about four years now.  Gavin’s is the first child in the nation to undergo a treatment called MRI laser ablation. During our first phone conversation, she mentioned that her son underwent chemo and radiation and both treatment did not cure Gavin's brain tumor.  As a matter of fact chemo made Gavin's tumor grew even more aggressive. My heart was bounding when I heard this. I was grateful we didn't put Lota through all that only to find out that chemo and radiation would not work of him, but my heart was also sadden for Gavin and everything his poor body has gone through.

Keith and Lota flew out in Minnessota to meet with Gavin’s doctor.  Dr. P confirmed that Lota and Gavin’s tumors have the exact tissue samples.  It was hearing that news that I realized that no one made a mistake at the lab back in March but that Lota had a miracle.  A wonderful miracle in deed. I was humbled by this revelation and grateful for another tender mercy of the Lord.

We also learnt that the University of Utah hospital has the same laser treatment that Gavin has been using.  They just have never used it on a child with a mature teratoma before.  On November 19th, Lota under Dr. Bollo and Dr. Kestle’s watchful eyes had an MRI laser ablation surgery at the University of Utah Hospital.  It was a leap of faith for all of us.  Lota also had his port removed during this hospital stay. We will know how well the laser ablation worked - 3 to 6 months from day of operation.

Lota is recovering well. He is a bit shaky from all the swelling in his brain but he is doing well. He takes zoloft to help with his anxiety and melatonin to help him sleep at night. He continues to amaze us everyday with his faith in his Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ.  He continues to teach us to speak softly in tone and in words; to put more effort in mastering the art of patience with each other.  It hasn’t been easy especially for this Mama, but each day is a new day to try again.

Lota’s strength has been the pilar of light in our home.  He has taught us to never cease to pray even when our hearts are filled with anger and hurt. He has taught us to pray aloud, even when there are people in the same room as us.

We take it one day at a time.  We count our blessings when darkness seems to engulf us all.

Every warrior does not fight alone, for the power of a tribe is stronger than one man team. Surrounding Lota are five other very strong Spirits God entrusted us with.

During one conversation, Keith and I agreed that we chose our tribe well.

Sina is a leader. She’s a jokster and is not easily offended. She came to us built tough both in spirit and in body.  We are so grateful for her strength and love for her family.

Nani is our peace keeper, a giver and a compassionate soul.  She would be the first to volunteer to help around the house.  She has a heart of gold and she is built tough too; a trail runner with Lota and Dad.

Tai is our artist.  Through pencil and bright colors she is able to bring comfort, love and happiness to others. She is quiet but very observant.  She is quick to find a way to comfort a crying sibling. She uses her artwork to cheer friends up at school also.

Lota is our lighthouse during the dark stormy nights.  His will to fight each day motivates us to keep on keeping on. He has been blessed with wisdom. Compassion leads his steps and Faith lights his way. He is the wise old soul of our tribe.

Sefa is our cuddly teddy bear.  This boy wears his heart on his sleeves.  We have caught him several times praying quietly in the backyard, in the corner of the family room and in his room for his only brother.  He has shed many tears for Lota.  He worries about Lota every day.  He wants to play football for Lota. He loves deeply. Recently during a trip to the store, he looked up at me and said “Mom, we will do everything we can so Lota stays alive with us for a very long time right?” I looked into his little brown eyes and my heart broke into a million pieces.  I can tell that the little wheels in his head are turning.  He is thinking about losing his only brother.  He was refusing to accept such a thought. That is why he is asking me for reassurance. I got down and hugged him “Yes Sefa. Yes we will”.

Tifa is our Princess Warrior.  She is fearless, full of life and exhaustingly happy. Her passion for life, for simple things, for music, for dancing, for debating and for makeup tutorial makes this journey hilarious, crazy, exhaustingly exciting and absolutely worth it.

Keith continues to run with the kids.  He has shown so much strength, patience and perseverance through all the trials he's been dealt this year.  I couldn’t ask for a better father for our children.  He is excited to help raise money for the Tyler Robinson Foundation this year by running several ultra races. The Tyler Robinson Foundation has been very helpful to our family during this journey.

Rowena just got called to be a teacher in Relief Society.  She is excited about learning more about her Savior as she prepares her lessons.  She is learning to embrace the changes this journey is bringing and be open to things she never was before, like Nani having short hair and having a lizard in the house. She loves her gym time and learning more about healthy living and fitness.

We are grateful for the trials of this year.  They have made us grow stronger in faith and nearer to our Savior Jesus Christ.  We have witness his tender mercies in our lives.  We have felt the power of His presence in our home. We know He lives.  We know He knows each of us well.  We know He will always be our advocate to the Father. We know all these things because of the Christ-like love we have received from so many of you. You are a big part our Tribe.

We as a family want to say Thank You for the kindness you have all shown us this year.  We are deeply humbled by your generosity and love.  We feel very blessed and very lucky to have you all in our lives. We also want to take this time to apologize for anything we may have done that may have caused any of you to feel hurt.   Sometimes we act or speak too soon without thinking.  May the mistakes of 2015 stay with 2015.

May the Spirit of our loving Heavenly Father continues to fill your hearts and homes with Peace, Love, Faith, Hope and Charity. May He bless each of you and your families. We are beyond grateful for your Christ-like love.

We look forward to 2016 and the challenges and blessings it brings.

May it bring you joy, success, and tremendous growth.

Love, The Ward Family.

The overwhelming joy of the Christmas Spirit.

The overwhelming joy of gratitude fills my heart today. Words are never enough to say Thank you to each and everyone of you that have helped and supported our family during this journey.  We are so lucky and blessed to be loved by so many.  We have experience over and over again the true feeling of Christ-like love this whole year.  I know that is why Keith came home a couple of months ago, and suggested that instead of spending money on christmas presents for each other this year, we should spend that money on gifts for the little warriors at the Neuro-Trauma unit at Primary Children.  The kids loved the idea and we started saving for it.  Last month, while Lota was at UNI, Mrs. Taylor (Lota's teacher) approached me about doing something special for Lota.  She said her class really wants to do something special but they didn't know what or how. 

I told Mrs. Taylor about our family Christmas service project we are doing this year - donating christmas gifts to Primary Children. She was so excited and she wanted her whole class to join us. Lota’s classmates and their parents embraced the idea. Some faculty members also brought donations.  One runner friend of Lota's even sent gifts through the mail that her grandson helped her picked out for our family to donate. These acts of kindness are just a few examples of the many kindness we’ve received this year. 

Yesterday the kids woke up early to wrapped boxes to put the gifts in.  They were very excited. 

Once everything and everyone was ready we made the drive down to Primary to make the delivery.  There wasn’t enough room in our Yukon, so each child had to hold their box on their lap the whole way.  It was a tight squeeze but no one complained. We sang christmas songs with an occasional break for a little hip-hop and R&B to keep Daddy awake at the wheel :o). 

At the hospital we were greeted by the beautiful Katherine, social worker of the Neuro-Trauma unit and a member of the Primary Children Hospital Foundation.  Lota was our spokeperson.  He thank Katherine for everything Primary did for him and he wished her a Merry Christmas.  They hugged.  



We visited a little longer and then we said good-bye.  As I got in the car, I noticed Tai, my artistic, quiet and loving 10 year old sitting with her head down.  I can see she is crying.  I can tell she was trying really hard to stop it; to hide it. But the tears kept coming. It was out of her control. Her Dad and I asked her why she was crying. She mumbled "I don't know”. 

I asked her whether she’s crying because she’s happy or sad or confused. With a little titter she shyly admitted "I really don't know”. 

It was that moment that it hit Keith and I.  Our sweet Tai was experiencing the true magic of Christmas; her tears are tears of joy - the overwhelming joy we get when we give selflessly. Both Keith and I held her and told her that what she was feeling was the overwhelming joy of giving, of putting other’s need before our own.  We told her that she was experiencing the real magic of Christmas - The Christmas Spirit. 

She smiled shyly and nodded.

That was a powerful moment to experience as a parent.  

Our whole family want to say Thank you to each and everyone of you that have made a difference in our lives this year.  Thank you for kneeling in prayers for our family especially our Lota. Thank you for the many acts of kindness you have done for us - from encouraging messages, to caring for our other kids, to cutting our grass all summer long, the generous financial help you sent our way, to gifts and the list goes on.  Please know that every act of kindness you have done for our family, whether big or small has made a difference with our fight.  

This journey has been a rollercoaster of emotions. But with hardship comes strength, resilience and perseverance. We will continue to fight harder and stronger because we have hope and we know God is only a prayer away.  We pray that each of you get to feel the Christ-like love we are feeling today.  We wish this overwhelming joy we feel for each one of you and everyone around the world.  

From our Family to Yours - Merry Christmas and a Happy and Safe 2016.  

God Bless.

PS: Lota is recovering well.  He is starting to build up his endurance by running on the treadmill here at home.  He can't wait to get back on the trail again.  

Another year older and a life lesson.

On October 7th, 2006, Keith and I welcomed our first son and fourth child into the world.  We named him Lotatoa - meaning Our Warrior in my native language - Samoan. We were beyond excited.  Keith an only child - couldn’t wait to share his love for fast cars, football, baseball and the outdoors with his boy.  I on the other hand was excited for hotwheel cars, cute little boy sweaters and having a little boy to love.  I pictured Lota playing rugby like my brothers did growing up. But the best part of it all, was knowing that we have been blessed with a son to carry on the family name.   

Lota was Daddy’s little shadow from the moment he started walking.  He loves helping his Dad with yard work, fixing up things in the house and his favorite - working on cars with his Dad.  They went on their first father and son camping trip when Lota was only three years old.  Lota had so much fun that "Father & Son Camp out - No Girls Allowed" is now a summer tradition for Keith and the boys.  And once Lota discovered the Fast & Furious movies, he was hooked. I remember telling him that I did not like him watching that movie because of all the half naked girls.  His answer was "I don't look at the girls.  I only look at the fast cars". Smart kid! I knew there was no arguing this with Lota and so I asked that he and Daddy uses the fast forward buttons for those scenes. Keith was quick to let me know he got it.  

For seven years Lota was our perfectly normal little boy.  He loved fast cars, the outdoors, football, playing with little brother, being outside for hours, playing in the lake and doing everything a little boy loves to do.  

But 10 days after we celebrated Lota’s 8th birthday (last year) - everything changed. 

Lota was experiencing headaches in the morning and night.  The headaches disappear after a root canal. He would also vomit unexpectedly and then feel totally fine afterwards. He was playing football at the time and he went from playing the whole game to standing on the sideline. He was not tackling like he used to.  He told me he can’t see his opponents.  I thought he was just scared because he was playing some really big kids. Lota was also sleeping A LOT.  He would go to school, come home and fall asleep on the couch till the next morning.  Keith and I felt he was just exhausted from football practice all week.  We also noticed he had gotten taller, so we assumed he was growing too. When Lota did not pass the school eye screening, I decided it was time to get him to an eye doctor.  The eye exam that day led to an eye specialist visit an hour later, then to the ER for an MRI which revealed a tumor. The tumor was blocking the spinal fluid from draining and it was causing Lota’s optic nerves to swell up.  

It's almost a year later and we are preparing our Warrior for a 5th brain surgery.   

Our family has a new normal and this journey is not one I would wish on anyone.  But through this trial we as a family have learned some very important life lessons.  We have also learned to lean more on God for patience, peace and guidance. It is the knowledge of him that keeps us going when we feel we can no longer stand on our feet.  

I have learned so much in the past year but one life lesson I want to share with you occurred to me this past Wednesday - October 7th while we were celebrating Lota’s 9th birthday. 

Lota’s little brother is struggling a lot with everything that’s going on especially all the attention Lota has been getting.  So we decided not to make a big deal on Lota’s birthday but just do something simple as a family at the park. Keith told me he got the cake figured out for Lota’s birthday.  I was very happy he took care of that big part of the day. 

Well, when Keith showed up at the park with the cake, it was not what I had imagined. It was a basic round cake with no Happy Birthday on it.  I was starting to feel upset and I asked Keith what happened to the cake.  He explained that the people he ordered the cake with made a mistake and didn’t make the cake.  So he just picked up a cake at Smiths. To make things worse,  I go to turn on my phone to take pictures and my phone storage is full, I reached for my canon and the batteries were completely dead.  Yes.  It was that kind of day. 

I started feeling anxious and my mind was flooded with these questions “What if this is Lota’s last birthday?! What if, this upcoming surgery goes wrong and he will be in a wheelchair?! What if this is his last birthday cake he will remember? What if the worst happens to my boy and I have no pictures to look at and only a memory of a plain cake to remember?!” 

But just as my mind was flooded with these 'What if…' questions and my anxiety was slowly building up; a very clear and beautiful thought came to me like it was written across the beautiful skies above the Wasatch Mountains.   It read - 


The what ifs of life can rob us of our most priceless moments. Don’t let it. 

At that moment, I looked up to find Lota smiling from ear to ear while playing football with his sisters.  He was running, jumping and having the time of his life.  

My Lota is running, laughing, happy and another year older!  What a priceless moment!  

And with that, I thank my Heavenly Father for the birthday cake without a Happy Birthday on it. I thank him for another year with Lota.  I thank him for a wonderful husband who loves me and our kids so very much.  I soaked in each moment that night, knowing that life is truly too short to worry about the what ifs of the unforeseen future.  Today is truly a present and I enjoyed it. 

As Moms, we are often lost in our own vision of how the day or an event should go that we miss the many priceless moments happening right in front of us.  

I pray that I will never forget to see the priceless moments when everything seems to not go my way. I choose to live one day at a time and always remember not to allow the what ifs of life to take control of my happiness today. 

"JUST LIVE WARRIOR LOTA"

Life is only but for a moment.  So Live! Live a Good Happy Life.  Live a life that brings happiness to others also.  Live a life that you can be proud of when death knocks at your door. That's the powerful message I feel I should share with you today. And that message burns in my heart because of an amazing man our family got to know in the past 6 months.

Lota met a wonderful man name Todd Bates back in March during the Buffalo 50 miler.  Todd is our very close and very dear family-friend Julie's cousin.  Julie has been Lota's other running buddy since we discover his passion for trail running. Todd was fighting a malignant brain tumor (he was also the longest living cystic fibrosis patient we knew of) and Julie ran 50 miles that day for Todd, for her family and for our Warrior Lota.

The closeness that race brought all of us from that day forward is one of Todd's last gift to all of us there that day. Todd was an inspiration and a gift to Lota and our family. Despite feeling so weak from chemo and radiation treatment, Todd still made his way to Antelope Island that hot afternoon to cheer Julie and Lota on.

Todd fought a good strong fight and he lived his life like the care-free wild mustangs of the West.  His motto was "JUST LIVE". And LIVE! he did. After 10 long months of fighting, Todd passed away surrounded by his dear family and friends last week.  Lota was devastated when he heard the news. Even though he had only known Todd for a short period of time, Lota felt a strong connection to him.

It was hard to see Lota go through such a loss at such a young age but with Todd's words of wisdom that he lived by, I reminded Lota that Todd wants him to "JUST LIVE!"; to enjoy life and not be overcome by sorrow only.  That Todd wants him to Live a Happy Life, to be cheerful even in difficult times. Todd is no longer suffering and Todd is now one of his many Guardian Angels. Lota felt comforted to know that Todd is now looking over his family and friends and that means Lota too.

Lota requested to go say goodbye to Todd and even though I wasn't sure how seeing his friend in a casket would affect him, I also knew that it is important for Lota to have that closure; to say his last goodbye.

At the viewing, so many people came to say goodbye to a great man. As I looked around I saw many of them wearing their camo JUST LIVE shirts.  These are the same shirts they wore during the Buffalo Run. On the left sleeve of the shirts are the words WARRIOR LOTA.  For a moment I saw Todd wrap his arms around our little Warrior and whispered,

"JUST LIVE WARRIOR LOTA! Just Live". 

As tears rolled down my cheeks that moment, I turned to find Lota with his 4 year old sister by Todd's casket.  He was looking at Todd intently and then I hear him say to his sister;

"There are two Todd's now.  There is Todd's Spirit in Heaven with Heavenly Father and this Todd - his body.  His body is in a deep, deep sleep now. Todd was a great man Tifa. He really was". 

And then they both turned and walked away with smiles on their faces.

I marveled at the wisdom Lota showed that night. He seemed too mature for an eight year old boy. A warm feeling of love filled my heart for my little Warrior.  I quietly Thank my Heavenly Father for the knowledge that we have of the afterlife.  I am grateful that Lota has that knowledge too. I am grateful he had the opportunity to meet Todd and learn one of life's greatest lesson from him.

Life is really but for a moment; a precious moment that I must treasure and live well.  Life is too short to be overcome by sorrow and despair, to worry, to fear the what ifs, to hate, to be filled with anger, to seek revenge, to debate our differences, to be obsessed to prove a point and especially to hold ill feelings towards others. Life is only but for a moment and WE need to #justlive.

Thank you Todd for touching our lives and changing us for the better.  Now run free our friend and enjoy the untouched mountains of Heaven.  

A Burden Made Light One Tool At a Time.

A week ago, Team Home Depot (Layton UT) came to our home and updated Lota’s room.  This help was possible because of so many caring people.  Back in May,  Lota’s teacher (the Amazing Ms Bird) told Becky Anderson (a cancer survivor and one of the most incredible people I have ever met in my life) Director of Anything For a Friend about Lota's fourth brain surgery.  From there, Becky got her team together and got the ball rolling for a surprise for Lota.  

Team Home Depot came out and completed the project last week. The timing for the room update couldn’t be any more perfect.  Lota has been struggling with expressing himself in the past couple of months and as we go from day to night to weeks; the more frustrated he felt and the more we all felt overwhelmed here at home.  There were many days I felt close to my own breaking point, trying to help Lota, trying to help my other five kids with their emotional needs and most of all trying to keep my own emotions in check. So when Team Depot came knocking on my door to update Lota’s room; they also brought a much needed light in Lota’s eyes and to this Mom’s breaking heart.  

Lota and his little brother were not allowed in their room for two full days. So while they were living out of a box in Daddy and Mommy’s room, Team Depot were hard at work one tool at a time. The excitement of this wonderful unknown was making Lota smile from ear to ear.  He had no time to think about his problems because his mind was too busy wondering and imagining what his room could possibly look like.  






 Lota loves Fast & Furious and that’s the theme we ran with.  Just like his Dad, he is fascinated by fast cars. Team Depot did an amazing job painting, adding more storage in the boys' closet, using some old rims we had for a traffic light nightlight /bookshelf and the fourth one for a cute little table.  They provided some cushions for a little quiet area for Lota to just relax. Ken (the lead on the project) was so generous to give Lota a drift car track of his from when his son was little. 




And when Lota saw his room - he was BLOWN AWAY.  Team Home Depot and Anything For a Friend brought back the fighting warrior in my son and I as his Mom, feels a lot lighter in my own sorrow and my cup runneth over in gratitude.  

Last month, Lota, his little brother and Daddy went on a Father and Sons campout.  It’s a little summer tradition they have. When they returned home, they informed me that they are getting rid of the bunk bed and they are going to have tents as their beds.  I was a little concern at first with this idea.  

Well, the tents have arrived and I am impress.  Lota now sleeps in his own bed at night and loves to hang out in his tent. 





This project wouldn’t have happened if it wasn’t for the caring people that thought of Lota and his struggles and wanted to make a difference for him. Through Ms Bird (Lota’s teacher) and the wonderful faculty and staff at Lota’s school, Becky Anderson and her team (@Anything For a Friend)heard that there is a boy that may need a little lift during his fight with a brain tumor. Through Becky, Derek Carver (Former Manager of our Layton Home Depot) and Team Depot heard about Lota and came to our home to do a pre-work assessment of Lota’s room. And through Derek Carver, Ken Taylor and his “make it happen”team came over and updated Lota’s room. It is through all these compassionate people’s actions, a little 8 year old boy that was having the worst few weeks of his journey was able to forget about all his problems.  

Keith and I are deeply grateful for your kindness and love for our little warrior and our family.  Thank you for bringing a much needed light in our lives when we felt hopeless and alone. 

Lota now has a fun little oasis to retreat to when he feels the need for some peace and quiet.  


















And we as his parents feel a big burden lifted off our shoulders.  Sometimes, when we really want to help someone and we are not in a position to do it on our own, just reaching out to someone that we know or think can, can make a big difference. Because that help may be just want they need when they need it. I know that is what I have learned from this project. I can help others by starting a seed of conversation and that conversation will eventually reach the right people who can make it happen. I know this because I have seen too many tender mercies of our Savior. I have faith in our Heavenly Father's timing.  I know that our Heavenly Father will find a way to get the information to the right people  at the right time for the help to get to us just when we needed it the most.  So don’t be afraid to reach out on behalf of a friend who is in need of some help.  Help may not get to them right at that moment but it will get to them just when they need it the most.  Just like it did for us and our Lota. 

See more pictures here: https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.1594951817433236.1073741887.100007552993807&type=1&l=98ec4f1a0d

With Alofa, 
~Rowena.